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Post by alchemicmelody on Apr 22, 2012 17:06:45 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
I'm scared. I had a panic attack on the way here and I almost fainted at what sounded like heavy boots. This place feels so cold and unfriendly. I know that I'll be forced to eat while I'm here and I really don't want to. I don't need to eat. He'll get angry if I do and I'm sure he'll find out...he just has connections or something.
I just want to curl up and sleep, but I'm too scared to close my eyes.
- Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on Apr 26, 2012 9:08:01 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
I think they might try to get me to eat soon. I can see them muttering about me whenever I refuse to eat in the cafeteria. I guess I'll have to start figuring out new ways to keep food from entering my body. I don't want to put back on any weight - can't they see that I'm fine? I'm not sick, I'm really not!
It's perfectly fine to feel every rib and to not have fat, right?
That's what He said anyway, and I know I should listen because He hurts me if I don't.
Although He isn't here, so maybe -
No. No eating. I can't. I just can't.
I'll just go read instead of going to the cafeteria now. Read and stay thin.
- Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on Apr 29, 2012 14:19:20 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
I'm starting to meet with other people who are here, other patients. Most of them frighten me...
Not really too much else to write.
- Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on May 1, 2012 10:32:41 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
I think today I'll go see what the gardens look like. I haven't been out of the buildings at all...
-Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on May 4, 2012 18:48:39 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
I had to talk about Him today. I didn't want to, but they made me do it anyway. Then they said that I would start a new program to get myself eating. I don't want to eat and I don't know why they won't understand! I had a panic attack when they told me that from now on I would be escorted three times a day to the cafeteria and that if I didn't eat, they'd take 'emergency measures' to make sure I got nutrition in me.
That of course just made me panic more.
Now I'm numb on sedatives because they pumped me full of them to get me to calm down.
I just want them to fix the anxiety. I don't want to be forced to eat...
- Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on May 8, 2012 0:10:11 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
I feel horrid. Absolutely horrid. They forced food down my throat and then kept strict watch on me to make sure I kept it down. Don't they realize that they've just made things worse?
- Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on May 15, 2012 9:32:58 GMT -5
My hair is falling out...is that supposed to be happening? I've been losing my breath more easily lately too...maybe I'm getting a cold or something...dizzy spells are getting worse too so that must be it, a cold! I'll have to see if I can get any cold medicine...
- Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on May 17, 2012 22:33:19 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
....I wonder....am I making friends?
-Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on Jun 3, 2012 15:46:14 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
I'm not feeling very well today. My head is spinning and I'm feeling so cold. But it's nothing to be worried about, right?
- Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on Jun 7, 2012 14:26:57 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
I've been a bit shaky today. Just in my hands though. It's probably from being cold all the time, nothing to be worried about...
- Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on Jun 16, 2012 20:15:54 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
They made me eat again today. It took everything I had to not start crying. But I don't want to cry in front of the doctors and nurses here. I don't like them.
- Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on Jun 28, 2012 11:26:35 GMT -5
Dear Diary:
I got curious about painting so I tried it out....I'm not sure what to really think of it just yet. All I made was a colorful mess on my paper.
- Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on Jul 7, 2012 22:05:14 GMT -5
Dear Diary:
I want to go home....I don't like it here.
- Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on Jul 28, 2012 20:17:11 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
I think I made another friend....maybe...
I'm feeling so tired lately. Everything just takes way too much energy. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep.
- Toris
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Post by alchemicmelody on Aug 2, 2012 12:01:35 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
I had more food shoved down my throat just about today. They say I need to eat more, that the reason I'm tired all the time is because I don't eat. But I don't want to eat, can't they understand that?
I'd rather be tired all the time than eat...
- Toris
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